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Best, Short, One Line Statuses for Twitter and Facebook

Samyak Lalit | September 11, 2014 (Last update: September 23, 2017)

Samyak Lalit is an Indian author and disability rights activist. He is the principal author and founder of projects like TechWelkin, WeCapable, Viklangta, Kavita Kosh among many others.

Recently, I wrote a post that contained over one hundred short and cheeky quotes that could be used as status on WhatsApp. Oh, well, there is nothing that stops you from using these one line quotes as status message on other social media platforms :-)

Today I got another set of some really nice (mostly one liners) quotes. I have selected these best quotes from a vast collection available on hundreds of websites. I hope you’ll also love these. Feel free to tweet them, use them on WhatsApp, Facebook or any other social media channels.

UPDATE (16 December 2016): A set of clever one liner quotes for your Facebook bio is also available now.

Enjoy these clever one liners and share them with your friends. Because of short size, these are very suitable for WhatsApp and Twitter status. I have another collection of more verbose, but excellent, quotes. I will post them soon for your Facebook and Google+ status.

Excellent short status messages for Twitter and Facebook.

Excellent short status messages for Twitter and Facebook.

  1. The longer the title the less important the job. [tweet it]
  2. Kidnapping? I prefer the term “surprise adoption”. [tweet it]
  3. You can do anything, but not everything. [tweet it]
  4. When I’m on my death bed, I want my final words to be “I left one million dollars in the…” [tweet it]
  5. I always learn from mistake of others who take my advice. [tweet it]
  6. God made everything that has life, rest everything is made in China. [tweet it]
  7. That moment when even Caps Lock can’t express your anger. [tweet it]
  8. When you drop your phone, your heart hits the ground before your phone does. [tweet it]
  9. I’m pretty sure my prayers go directly to God’s spam folder. [tweet it]
  10. I like children. Properly cooked. [tweet it]
  11. I always learn from mistakes of others, who took my advice. [tweet it]
  12. The worst distance between two people is misunderstanding. [tweet it]
  13. Need Love? … No… I would prefer vodka! [tweet it]
  14. Wrestling is obviously fake. Why would two people fight over a belt when neither of them are wearing pants? [tweet it]
  15. By the time you learn the rules of life, you’re too old to play the game. [tweet it]
  16. If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other. [tweet it]
  17. I don’t make mistakes, I date them. [tweet it]
  18. I’ve been using Google for 10 years and I have no idea who uses the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button. [tweet it]
  19. You’re beautiful until your Photoshop 30 day trial has gone. [tweet it]
  20. Make love, not war. Hell, do both. Get married. [tweet it]
  21. I wake up when I can’t hold my pee in any longer. [tweet it]
  22. I look at people sometimes and think… Really? That’s the sperm that won. [tweet it]
  23. Be what you want to be, not what other wants to see. [tweet it]
  24. I don’t have a bad handwriting, I have my own font. [tweet it]
  25. Good girls are bad girls, who never get caught. [tweet it]
  26. When in doubt, mumble. [tweet it]
  27. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments. [tweet it]
  28. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. [tweet it]
  29. Relationships are a lot like Algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y? [tweet it]
  30. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. [tweet it]
  31. Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer. [tweet it]
  32. Do what is “Right”, not what is “Easy”. [tweet it]
  33. Having one child makes you a parent, having two makes you a referee. [tweet it]
  34. They say that love is more important than money, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug? [tweet it]
  35. I am only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand. [tweet it]
  36. If you’re texting two people at the same time, you are biTextual. [tweet it]
  37. When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep — not screaming, like the passengers in his car”. [tweet it]
  38. Reading texts half asleep is like looking into the sun. [tweet it]
  39. When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you? [tweet it]
  40. Sometimes you just need some space… to fart. [tweet it]
  41. If you hurt my best friend, I will make your death look like an accident. [tweet it]
  42. Decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire! [tweet it]
  43. All girls are my sisters except you. [tweet it]
  44. Hey, I found your Nose; it was in my business again. [tweet it]
  45. If you can’t change a Girl… change the Girl. [tweet it]
  46. I had a horribly busy day converting oxygen into carbon dioxide. [tweet it]
  47. At least mosquitoes are attracted to me. [tweet it]
  48. If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door. [tweet it]
  49. My Mother is a travel agent for guilt trips. [tweet it]
  50. They say that alcohol kills slowly. So what? Who’s in a hurry? [tweet it]
  51. If you don’t stand for something, you will fall for anything. [tweet it]
  52. I am not lazy, I just rest before I tired. [tweet it]
  53. Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. [tweet it]
  54. Think twice before you speak, you’d be able to say something more Insulting. [tweet it]
  55. Dear Lord, all I ask for a chance to prove that winning the lottery won’t make a bad person. [tweet it]
  56. Dear MATH, stop asking to find your X, she’s not coming back. [tweet it]
  57. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. [tweet it]
  58. If there is no chocolate in heaven…”I AM NOT GOING”. [tweet it]
  59. She is so fake that she should have two Facebook accounts; one for each face! [tweet it]
  60. The longer the title the less important the job. [tweet it]
  61. God made every person different, He just got tired by the time he got to china. [tweet it]
  62. If “Plan A” didn’t work. Don’t worry; the alphabet has 25 more letters. [tweet it]
  63. Sometimes the only one, who can appreciate you, is you. [tweet it]
  64. You don’t realize how many clothes you have, until you wash them. [tweet it]
  65. Why is a newspaper ten times more interesting when somebody across the table is reading it? [tweet it]
  66. I’m not perfect, I am original. [tweet it]
  67. Dry fruits are just fruits that have become senior citizens. [tweet it]
  68. God must love stupid people- he made so many! [tweet it]
  69. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. [tweet it]
  70. I heard you took an IQ test and they said you’re results were negative. [tweet it]
  71. Everyone has an annoying friend. If you don’t have one, it’s probably you. [tweet it]
  72. I am not fat, I am just. Easier to see. [tweet it]
  73. Whenever I have a problem, I just sing, then I realize my voice is worse than my problem. [tweet it]
  74. Without ME, it’s just AWESO. [tweet it]
  75. When people go underwater in movies, I like to hold my breath and see if I would have survived in that situation. [tweet it]
  76. That depressing moment when you dip your cookie into milk for too long, it breaks off, and you wonder why bad things happen to good people. [tweet it]
  77. My girlfriend is like my iPad… I don’t have an iPad. [tweet it]
  78. I’m an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house. [tweet it]
  79. The greatest pleasure in Life is doing what people say you can’t do. [tweet it]
  80. All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of chips. [tweet it]
  81. How do people write an auto biography? I can barely remember what I had for lunch yesterday. [tweet it]
  82. I didn’t change, I just woke up. [tweet it]
  83. All my life I thought air is free until I bought a bag of chips. [tweet it]
  84. I Was Born Cool, Global Warming Made Me Hot. [tweet it]
  85. If girls could read minds… Every second a man would get slapped. [tweet it]
  86. You don’t have to like me after all, I’m not a Facebook status. [tweet it]
  87. Do it today, It might be illegal tomorrow. [tweet it]
  88. I love my six packs so much; I protect it with a layer of fat. [tweet it]
  89. The only thing I gained so far in 2014 is weight. [tweet it]
  90. Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant. [tweet it]
  91. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. [tweet it]
  92. Women should not have children after 35. Really… 35 children are enough. [tweet it]
  93. Fart when people hug you. It makes them feel strong. [tweet it]
  94. You are so awesome that, my middle finger salutes you. [tweet it]
  95. If women could read minds, every second man will get slapped. [tweet it]
  96. We all have that one skinny friend that eats more than fat person. [tweet it]
  97. Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture. [tweet it]
  98. Looking at people’s mutual friends and saying “OMG HOW DO YOU KNOW THEM” [tweet it]
  99. Silence is better than lies. [tweet it]
  100. When a woman says WHAT? It’s not because she didn’t hear you. She’s giving you a chance to change what you said. [tweet it]
  101. Dear Samsung, please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones. [tweet it]
  102. Don’t steal, the government hates competition. [tweet it]
  103. If you can’t convince them, confuse them. [tweet it]
  104. Dear Google, Please stop behaving like a GIRL. Will u please allow me to complete the whole sentence before you start guessing & suggesting? [tweet it]
  105. I am not failed, my success is just postponed. [tweet it]
  106. I like to name my iPod ‘Titanic’ so when it says ‘Syncing Titanic’ I click cancel and it makes me feel like a hero. [tweet it]
  107. Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. [tweet it]
  108. Until I was thirteen I thought my name was ‘Shut up’. [tweet it]
  109. Want to surprise your girlfriend? Introduce her to your wife. [tweet it]
  110. That awkward moment when you realize that “deleting History” is more important than “creating History” nowadays. [tweet it]
  111. I don’t always have time to study… but when I do, I don’t. [tweet it]
  112. Some people just need a High-Five, on the face. [tweet it]
  113. I think my iPhone is broken. I pressed the home button and I’m still at school. [tweet it]
  114. I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he needs more proof. [tweet it]
  115. Before you judge me, Make sure that you’re perfect. [tweet it]
  116. Never have more children than you have car windows. [tweet it]
  117. A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.” [tweet it]
  118. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back. [tweet it]
  119. Try to say the letter “M” without your lips touching. [tweet it]
  120. I’m not arguing, I’m simply explaining why I’m right. [tweet it]
  121. I never make the same mistake twice. Three or four times maybe. But never twice. [tweet it]
  122. Weird is a side effect of awesome. [tweet it]
  123. I never make stupid mistakes, only very-very clever ones. [tweet it]
  124. I hate when people all of a sudden decide to be funny when I am drinking something. [tweet it]
  125. When you wait for a waiter in a restaurant, aren’t you a waiter? [tweet it]

So this was my third post containing quotes and/or status messages. My first one was on memorable quotations of Steve Jobs.

I hope you liked these funny and clever quotable sentences. I also hope that you’ll love to make these your status on channels like WhatsApp and Twitter. Please do share these with your friends in virtual world. Thank you for using TechWelkin!


2 responses to “Best, Short, One Line Statuses for Twitter and Facebook”

  1. Tina Nguyen says:

    Yes, I see best short 1 line status.. Wow its so much fun to read it. I thought I will make up 1 for my own! and I did!.

    I like happy people, when you make comments can you tag me a smile too!

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